She Dresses Like One of Don Draper’s Wives

And boy can she talk. An_Noy_Ing. And unpleasant. High nasal voice. Always throwing in “Just Kidding” at the end of her outrageous statements. Even more annoying than that train foamer who talked from Brattleboro to New Haven. Mercifully, I passed out from my third Bloody Mary.

It had started so nice. On the way up we got off in Rattleboro, but the Train went to Fellow’s Balls, so we embarked there on the return trip. We’d seen an eagle flying up the Connecticut at the depot and we snuck off to spark a bowl behind the station, with the impressive Gibraltar-like Fall Mountain over in New Hampshire dominating the clear blue sky. On the train I saw another eagle, perched in a tree as we slid through a bend in the river where the bank dropped off in a near palisade providing a natural perch nearly invisible to prey below. The water sparkled.

The dude started talking and the college student next to him was soon asleep. Two coeds were watching an ipad with earbuds and were oblivious. The story I remember from the kid with the Suzyn Waldman voice was about his brush with fame in the person of Ben Savage, mega-star.  There was more mix-up as we entered the twilight zone of “the Palmer Turnaround” where the tracks head 8 miles east, towards Boston, before the train switches tracks and finishs the trip backwards with the engineer driving from the  rear control cab, now upfront. But soon after he was quiet and my Bloodies were soothing.

On the 1960’s TV sitcom That Girl, Marlo Thomas’ boyfriend shops for an engagement ring. He hears the word baguette for the first time. Jewelry baguettes are the little surrounding diamonds that highlight the larger stone. Ted, the boyfriend says; “I just heard that word for the first time yesterday, now it’s popping up every five minutes.” Too bad annoying girl wasn’t more like Marlo and less like Megan. But here’s a real life version of the first occurrence followed by multiple reoccurrence phenomenon.

Grindr, the hookup app is not named for a sandwich. It’s named for the humpy pumpy dance two males do during physical love as they smash their pudentia together.

I never meant to open this door, but I’m just getting all this out of my system. Like Poop Beard. Saw a couple of stories on the web where they swabbed dudes’ beards and cultivated the swabbing samples in a petri dish. And they claim it was identical to germs found in fecal material. The explanations were sickening. How did it get there? Sex? Improper hand washing? So what i came up with is this: a beard can harbor dead skin and old food and germs from the hands, because we beardies know how nice it is to lovingly stroke our whiskers. Maybe the petri samples are from a germy mix that imitates buggies found in the colon?

It is hard to segue to lunch now, but that’s what begat my new occurrence/multiple reoccurrence tale.

Being interested in regional food, I innocently asked a citizen of Arizona what they call a grinder sandwich out there. The answer was snippy. They call it a sub, or whatever, we understand it all out here, no one is actually from here, they all moved in after life in the other 49.  What a crank ass.

Then during karmic retribution he was listening to Boomer and Carton and the topic of unregulated New York city hotdogs came up. The law says prices must be displayed, but several sting operations found prices varied from the standard $5 to $8 or even as high as $30 for the more distractedly meek tourist.

The radio conversation turned to what do you call a sandwich on an oblong roll. Grinder, hoagie, sub, zeppelin, torpedo, hero, po boy and muffuletta? And which regional variations they knew, loved and remembered. We laughed and he was less cranky.

Today at work he got free lunch. They had giant six foot sandwiches. Babs, the old trainer who showed him around Webbing & Casing asked him;

“Do they have sandwiches like this back east?”

Which started a discussion on regional foods and how soda is pop and tonic and other various names around the country.  We talked  that night and I told him about Donald, Marlo’s boyfriend and he was like;

“How did you sidetrack off to a 1960’s TV show? We were talking about food?” But he thought the occurrence/reoccurrence theory was interesting.

Later he would tell me;

“After we got off the phone last night, Chris came in and asked me if I wanted a sandwich, cause he had rolls from work.”

Here it goes again he thought.  Sandwiches and the initial occurrence/ multiple reoccurrence theory all in one.

“What kinda bread did you get?” He asked his bro; “Baguettes” Chris answered.

“He got them from this bakery called Hollinger’s, it’s really good and old”

“You won’t believe this,” I said; “but the boyfriend’s name  on That Girl was Hollinger.”

Now we’re longing for a “That Girl” remake starring Nicki Minaj and Ben Savage.


While writing this I took a break and attended a tasteful, civilized Jack & Jill party for my niece and a woman guest brought her two pubic aged boys named: Chianti and Minaj.