The eagles were perched in the half leaved tree. Their nest was completely exposed to view. The leaves are retreating. Soon the branches and trunks will be visually definitive- making the dark, dark brown, almost black birds with ultra white heads plainly visible. Maybe a small flock will gather.
Probably I will not see it as I am engaged in a great friendship. It is both rewarding and infuriating. And I am testing, to see if any such friendship, conceived in respect and admiration can survive the test of idiosyncrasies and the struggle for dominance. As Jim Carrey put it; “Let’s do ALL the THINGS You want to do.”
Both of us are weird. We accuse the other of “abnormality” and we blame when we don’t instinctually know what the other wants. Certain actions are verboten. Singing, any public performance and rolled down car windows are all frowned upon. And they can’t ride in any car they’re not driving. And there is a deep well of self loathing that regularly waters driving attitudes, cooking and even ordering fast food. To me it’s ridiculous. To them my disdain is an affront against them. And I do not know how to lessen it’s impact.
Both of us have things: quirks, habits, rituals that baffle the other. No, piss the living shit out of each other. There’s this immovable monolith of logic that fuels the self righteousness. Both side’s viewpoints seem logical to a third person, but the things I do seem ill conceived and the stuff they do seems arbitrary and something akin to ritualistic obsessive compulsive behavior to me.
But is it worth the effort? I do not think that I can reasonably ask anyone to change, but I feel it is fine for them to ask me to change. Yes, I can use your complaints to guide me to becoming a better person, but is that healthy? Must I submerge my real self for the sake of getting along? What do I get? Or am I supposed to be in this not for myself but to support them? Is this the end of selfishness or a deeper level of codependency? I love you, you’re perfect, now change was a hit on off-Broadway, but I’m not sure it works in the real world. The key I think is to not react. Jefferson never acknowledged any questions about his family with Sally Hemmings. Just refused to answer. I think my key to our sanity in this insane little backwater eddy of life is to ignore and react without emotion. To revel in the company while it lasts because this is not an “And now as it shall be forever and ever Amen” situation. Today I saw a vulture and it was gliding beautifully on a thermal. I took it to mean that this, this good and illogical thing was already passing and now as I sit and write I am beginning to forgive the imaginary trespasses, the real quirks and the condescension…leaving me only with a strong desire for their company. Give me patience, understanding, compassion, tolerance and amplify the feelings of love.
If not; let me stay classy and loving as the ice floes of our lives drift apart.